The pain of Patriarchy and Feminism to the very sensitive feminine soul....

Preface: Author's note~ I can see on reading this over that my mind has definitely darted all over the place which I warn you of in my first sentence. Bear with me as I have years of stuff to process here and this is not written for anyone in particular to read, bur rather is my way of exorcising my own demons.

Where to start..... so many little clips of memory flow around me when I think about both the subject of Patriarchy and the subject of Feminism. Here is my opinion: Patriarchy hurts and damages both men and women.... and so does Feminism. They are both born out of fear for our own positions of power in society. Still I must say that if I were to be described as one or the other I would cling tightly to Feminism. Neither philosophy really fits my way of thinking, my drives, my passions, my innate sense of right and wrong.
Patriarchy has hurt me, damaged me in ways that will never, can never be healed; especially when you consider it is the real system that I work and live in and will never be free of in this lifetime. I have felt the deepest kind of pain and frustration that Patriarchy can inflict first from my sexual abuse from my father as a little girl. This was the ultimate in disenfranchisement. What tiny little bits of empowerment I had gained as a four year old girl were swept away like smoke tendrils in the wind. Add to that four older brothers who loved me and protected me in their deepest hearts but also delighted in teasing me and tormenting me in childish play. This was all fun and games to them, but from my perspective meant that in every conversation, every project, every outing, every family activity they were faster, smarter, more experienced, and more skilled than I. I was constantly in a state of frustration since it felt like every show I wanted to watch, every game I wanted to play, every little autonomous decision that I wanted to make was overruled by others. I suppose this is the plight of most "babies" of large families, but for me growing up in the seventies, having older brothers (I have a sister too but she was 16 when I was born so we didn't develop a close relationship until I reached adulthood), having a mother who was raised in a religious family and taught to "obey" her husband, and an abusive father created a strange dynamic that still works inside me today and is not always so pretty to look at I guess. I can still have strong visceral reactions when I am outvoted, or when forced to submit to authority that I feel is functioning in any kind of way that feeds that authorities personal needs or is disingenuous in any way (actually I am often frustrated by any kind of authority, which is a typical result of sexual abuse).
I am extremely feminine and grew up in a world that is driven by Patriarchy and that for the most part mocks feminism and femininity in any way. This has always made me feel equally ashamed and embarrassed by my girly ways, my love and need for beauty, and my delicate physical state and my strong headed ways, my fiery temper and my quick intelligent mind. It is like in every situation I feel equally guilty for being not enough and too much.
There is light and love inside of me. I don't know how else to describe it. I need to be part of positive things in the world and too much darkness and pain can cause great suffering to me on the soul level. I know that I have healing in my hands... I don't know how I know, but I feel that virtue in them when I touch those I love, when I hold laboring women and when I lay my hands on a newborn babe. It is not something I developed... is has always been so. I can't make it happen and if it ever leaves I have no idea how to get it back. I know that I need to use my gifts though... it is like breathing... I simply must.
I lived inside a very traditional church world for most of my adult life. That was a source of constant pain and anxiety, as well as constant conflict with my spouse. He was actually raised by a strong feminist woman for her time, though much of the taboos and strictures of her life were set by the rules of Patriarchy as well. This has made him more understanding than most as far as the intensity that burns inside of me when I see women treated as second class citizens and made to bow to the rule of the men in their lives. He has tried to be a good leader without being dictatorial though the very nature of our church has encouraged him in that direction more than once. I have finally decided that I cannot live by those rules anymore. I love my God, I love the people, I even love the pastors, but the system is damaging me, eating away at my hard won autonomy and I simply cannot abide by it anymore. My husband is surprisingly supportive and simply loves me. That has been such a surprise, such a lovely gift. I am a bit lost right now but I am seeking. It is difficult to go to another church (a large church were I am anonymous) but I feel too adrift to not go. It helps to go and loose my pain in the midst of the beauty of the music, and to hear God's word and to feel His distinct presence.
I also feel so much pain when encountering the medical system whose very foundations are laid upon the premise of Patriarchy. It is no surprise that they drummed out midwives a hundred years ago. It is no wonder that midwives have often been considered witches by so many societies. We as a group do not bow to male authority and we know the mysteries of the female body with and intimacy that men will never, can never know. Our sensitivity, our empathy, our very compassion is many times born out of knowing how labor and delivery feels from our own experiences. I know there are many midwives who have never given birth, and I still believe they are perfectly suited for the job because of the very wiring of the female brain, the distinct hormones that drive our emotions, and the nurturing capabilities that are hardwired into every cell of our bodies. It disturbs me and sets off warning alarms inside of me for my own future preceptor positions when I see midwives acting in a way that smacks of Patriarchy. Where they do things that they "feel is best" for their clients or for their students. It alarms me when I see mothers who cannot raise their children to be independent adults but want their fingers in every pie that their children create in adulthood. I can be as controlling as the next mother but I KNOW what it feels like to be CONTROLLED! It doesn't feel good, it is not right. I am not saying that we shouldn't have any kind of hierarchy in place. There needs to be a chain of command and all students need a mentor/mentee relationship. But as we become midwives may we never forget what it feels like to be treated disrespectfully by the medical world, may we never forget what it feels like to be driven beyond our physical limits as an apprentice, may we never forget what it feels like to have those in authority over you make your decisions for you, may we never forget what it feels like to be disenfranchised to the point where we have had to fight, kick and claw our way back to a place of personal empowerment and autonomy! May we then use these lessons to create a new sustainable system that trains the next generation of midwives to be sensitive, kind and intelligent providers that have a passion for both the laboring mother and the hardworking student under her tutelage. It seems to me that it is the only way that midwifery will ever truly rise out of the ashes. We must create a new system... not out of anger for how we were treated sometime in our life, but out of our calling to midwifery, our passion for birth, our own experiences of being empowered. We must pass the baton in a way that sees the next person in the relay as an equal who is simply on a different portion of the track than we are, and that is the way we will win the race! Maybe this is not about midwifery at all but about womanhood, for little girls, young women, fully grown women, mothers, grandmothers and MATRIARCHS everywhere.

10 billion plus 10 billion equals nothing....

I love birth and birthing women. I live for that magical breathless moment right before a baby is born where it seems there is this literal unconscious communal holding of breaths throughout the room as though we are all trying to channel our strength to the Motherbaby. As though we are all trying to make more oxygen available to the laboring mother and have plenty ready for the newly arriving baby soul's very first breath.
So much time has passed since I first took the first steps of my journey into midwifery that I can recognize all that I have had to give up to be present for those moments of magic. Giving up so many moments of my own children's lives, giving up moments of being with the man I love. This is normal, this is part of the calling. Sometimes though in the time and space continuum the elements do not fit. I recently had to step down from a position as an apprentice of two very well loved preceptors. They needed more than I could give with the other balls I must juggle in my own personal journey: the driving, full time classes, cleaning houses on the side, and my family. I feel heartbroken right now, but when a human being tries to give 10 billion plus 10 billion she ends up giving nothing because it simply does not add up to that precious substance we are all looking for in life called "balance". I had moments of such sleep deprivation that I felt physical pain of exhaustion tinged with homesickness from being so far away from my family, and the distinct identity crisis of doubting my motives for ever wanting to be a midwife. Of course then I simply let my mind drift backwards to the birth that had happened a few hours earlier. The vestiges and tendrils of that energy still floating in the air around me I knew that I was doing what I was supposed to do. I still know that I will be a midwife, it is just that with each step of this journey I cannot see the road ahead very clearly because there is always a bend just ahead. But I know that my degree is worthwhile and it is a gift I am giving myself. It has caused me to grow and change on so many levels. I am not even the same girl I was when I started. The very work of midwifery is healing me. The very knowledge that I can do this... that I AM doing this is building my confidence hugely. I know that I am learning through all of these experiences that the most important thing is not to make everyone like me, or everyone proud of me. You see, I am a survivor of sexual abuse. That has created a need in me to nurture others, while at the same time needing their approval somehow. I never felt quite good enough. I never felt like I was strong enough. I never felt like I was smart enough. I guess when it came right down to it.... I simply never felt like I was "enough".  But in the birth room, I intuit how to simply be in the space. I know how to hold that space and time for the mother to work through her own fears, her own body's power, and her own baby's work that is a part of it all. There I am grounded... I am steady... and I am enough.
I do not know what the future holds. I am currently researching other programs. I am so close to my numbers (trust me, I know those women are far more than numbers, because all the beautiful births I have attended have swirled around inside of me until they have become a part of me), I only need 5 more to reach Arizona's requirements, but I know that 5 can take forever in a regular practice. Still I have given of myself again and again to the universe... and  I trust that the universe is going to be returning the favor. Yep.... trust is the word.....