I love birth and birthing women. I live for that magical breathless moment right before a baby is born where it seems there is this literal unconscious communal holding of breaths throughout the room as though we are all trying to channel our strength to the Motherbaby. As though we are all trying to make more oxygen available to the laboring mother and have plenty ready for the newly arriving baby soul's very first breath.
So much time has passed since I first took the first steps of my journey into midwifery that I can recognize all that I have had to give up to be present for those moments of magic. Giving up so many moments of my own children's lives, giving up moments of being with the man I love. This is normal, this is part of the calling. Sometimes though in the time and space continuum the elements do not fit. I recently had to step down from a position as an apprentice of two very well loved preceptors. They needed more than I could give with the other balls I must juggle in my own personal journey: the driving, full time classes, cleaning houses on the side, and my family. I feel heartbroken right now, but when a human being tries to give 10 billion plus 10 billion she ends up giving nothing because it simply does not add up to that precious substance we are all looking for in life called "balance". I had moments of such sleep deprivation that I felt physical pain of exhaustion tinged with homesickness from being so far away from my family, and the distinct identity crisis of doubting my motives for ever wanting to be a midwife. Of course then I simply let my mind drift backwards to the birth that had happened a few hours earlier. The vestiges and tendrils of that energy still floating in the air around me I knew that I was doing what I was supposed to do. I still know that I will be a midwife, it is just that with each step of this journey I cannot see the road ahead very clearly because there is always a bend just ahead. But I know that my degree is worthwhile and it is a gift I am giving myself. It has caused me to grow and change on so many levels. I am not even the same girl I was when I started. The very work of midwifery is healing me. The very knowledge that I can do this... that I AM doing this is building my confidence hugely. I know that I am learning through all of these experiences that the most important thing is not to make everyone like me, or everyone proud of me. You see, I am a survivor of sexual abuse. That has created a need in me to nurture others, while at the same time needing their approval somehow. I never felt quite good enough. I never felt like I was strong enough. I never felt like I was smart enough. I guess when it came right down to it.... I simply never felt like I was "enough". But in the birth room, I intuit how to simply be in the space. I know how to hold that space and time for the mother to work through her own fears, her own body's power, and her own baby's work that is a part of it all. There I am grounded... I am steady... and I am enough.
I do not know what the future holds. I am currently researching other programs. I am so close to my numbers (trust me, I know those women are far more than numbers, because all the beautiful births I have attended have swirled around inside of me until they have become a part of me), I only need 5 more to reach Arizona's requirements, but I know that 5 can take forever in a regular practice. Still I have given of myself again and again to the universe... and I trust that the universe is going to be returning the favor. Yep.... trust is the word.....
