Fingerprints All Over My Heart:
At Home-Day 3
Well folks I think I am going to live. Still clearing up my cold, so taking advice and drinking water and resting. I thought that it would be helpful to my mental and heart processes for me to write out a few little "cameos" on the dear midwives, and some of my deeper impressions of Shiphrah and the Philippines. These next few posts may be a bit of hodgepodge, but I want to do this while the impressions are still sharp. I will be including pictures as well when possible thanks to the photographic efforts of my friend Rachel Hodges Jamison. It was a time of great personal growth and though my actions did not always meet with my own approval (I am TRYING to learn to be easier on myself), I think that in the end, even my human fallibility will become an important part of the big picture. As I have said before one of the greatest pains that I carry with me is that feeling of always being "not enough" and at the same time "too much". I work hard each day to shake haunting of those twin spectres. I will forever be grateful for each moment that I shared with each individual. Those are the little gems that form the necklace of memories that I wear around my neck, and each memory is like a prayer I murmur under my breathe as the stones slip through my fingers one by one like a cherished rosary. More to come.

Well I kinda thought maybe my transition was a little too smooth. Managed to stay up until 9:30 or so last night and went to bed. Had a restless night where my body was playing tricks on me... one minute sweating and needing the fan, then waking up an hour later freezing and shivering and reaching for my small heating blanket. Other parts of me acting weird too. Bladder working over time forcing several trips to the bathroom (I think my body thinks I should be UP, not sleeping). All of my healing mosquito/spider/ant bites feel miserable too for some reason. Add to that the strange fact that my skin/pores seem to "hurt" in some strange indefinable way. Also every few hours I get mysterious cramps down deep in my tummy that I cannot seem to define. Laid in bed until 5 am and then although I was sleeping lightly felt my body go into full sugar crash mode and knew I had a manner of minutes to get some eggs and toast into me before I spent the day throwing up, shaking and sick. Nipped that particular evil in the bud, but my blood sugar is still very tenuous and I know from experience that I will have to be very careful in the next couple of days as I still feel a bit shaky and unsteady in that department. Damned hypoglycemia! My head is hurting and the strange "summer cold" I picked up in Taytay is finally working it's way out with lots of deep chest coughing and sneezing. I suppose just as my heart and mind will have to process the change back to my homeland so will my body. Thank you Cindy Holt for the Life Shotz. I think they are going to be a godsend. I definitely feel the need to build up my strength and immunity. Now I am torn between thinking I should try to stay up all day to continue to switch my body to the right time zone and the intuition that I need to take it easy and not push myself too hard. With all that is happening physically I can tell that my heart and mental processing has come to a standstill. That is fine... "one" thing at a time girl, one thing at a time..... For now I give myself to be at peace with doing as little as possible! Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof.... or something along those lines.

Slept all night! Didn't get up until 7:00 a.m. Wonderful to sit at my kitchen table and have breakfast with my family... sit in my own home church and worship with my brothers and sisters... and later to sit around the table and spend time with my older kids and grandkids. This evening I will go and "simply be" with my sister for the evening. I still haven't really "caught up" to myself yet so I am sure I have a lot of adjusting to do. Little things produce unbidden prickling of my eyes, tightening of my throat or outright R.C.M.'s (random crying moments) before I know they are coming: The way my bed felt when I laid down, the smell of my children, the way my kitchen chairs feel so "comfortable" and so "right" under me, being surrounded by my own pretty things and my own familiar places, driving my car, warm water out of the faucet, a warm bath, putting on my church clothes, seeing my friends faces at church filled with true joy at seeing me again, worship songs drifting in from the living room as I was waking up this morning blending with the smell of coffee and my husband frying bacon, feeling my husband curl into my back and breathe in my scent as I slept, laughing with my kids over you tube videos.... all these plus myriad other things are blessing me so deeply today. I had a good discussion with Deborah Gustafson while at Shiphrah about learning to not feel guilty for who and what we are, and for what is normal to us. This was in reference to wanting to help so many others who are in such dire straits. That was a good conversation to have and I still feel the weight of her wisdom blessing me as I make the adjustment to being back home. Still what it has produced in me is thankfulness. I am so grateful for this life of mine. I am so grateful for the clothes in my closet, my pictures on the wall, the warm water that comes instantly out of the faucet, the food in the pantry and refrigerator, and the fact that I am dearly, dearly loved back here in my home place. It is enough as I rest, recuperate and readjust. I am satisfied.

Fingerprints All Over My Heart
Day 60: 2nd Travel Day
There is a kind of chaos that follows me everywhere I go. Well maybe “follows” isn’t the right word, I think that it is more that I generate it somehow. It is born from something inside me. Often it comes after I have worked out things, gone through a healing passage and hit that place of accepting myself. Then boom! I will inadvertently do something stupid, or irresponsible. Or I will try to set something up with good intentions and have it all kind of end in a mess. Then my old companions “insecurity” and “low self esteem” show back up. My husband jokingly told me once I was named appropriately: Margaret Ann. Margaret means pearl and Ann means grace or gracious. He said that I am a precious jewel…but one that is made slowly over time from a source of irritation! And then I find my middle name a bit ironic because my mom would always sarcastically say “Well… GRACE!” Whenever I would trip, stumble or fumble, which was often since I am not the most coordinated person sometimes. I still catch myself saying it to myself under my breathe when I am clumsy. Now, I think that my husband’s old joke has a kind of beautiful truth to it. What started out as something not so great is turning, slowly but surely into something of worth. It is just that I get so passionate about things that I want to share, or I get excited to get everyone together and have a good time, and then in my efforts I sometimes fumble and create a scene in my effusion and exuberance where someone is offended or made uncomfortable.
Here is a quote I came across today:
“Every passion borders on chaos, that of the collector on the chaos of memory.” Walter Benjamin. I have this little collection of memories that often brings a wry smile to my face when I think of the little disasters i have left behind in my lifetime. I always feel so guilty about such things, but what is done is done. Kind of my own "string of pearls"... little irritating scenes that have become beautiful and precious over time.
When I think of the trouble and bother that I have caused sometimes in my deep need for beauty, and the need I have to surround myself with some beauty in this life I admit I cringe  little. In 1673 a scientist named Nicolaus Steno was saying the dedication of a newly opening anatomical theatre (an operating room where others can observe and learn). In his speech he said “Beautiful is what we see. More beautiful is what we understand. Most beautiful is what we do not comprehend.” Oh those words grip me! I think about some of the things I have seen that brought me to tears in the Philippines. Little unexpected things… things I see, that I understand but whose deeper meaning I can scarcely comprehend!  A dirty grey building that is falling down. Part of it still stands and that part has been divided to make apartments. Along the ridge formed by the crumbling windows someone has created a row of beautiful tropical plants in a mish mash of various pots and buckets. I am struck by the love and care that someone took to decorate his or her strip of dirty grey wall. In one flower pot a kitten sleeps and again my heart is touched by the tenuousness of this life. I know my life isn’t pretty sometimes… sometimes all that is left for me is a little strip of dirty grey wall. But damn it! I must bring some love, beauty and care to “my little strip of wall”. My passion COMPELS me! Perhaps a tired, half starved kitten will find solace there… or maybe even my own tired half starved heart will rest there. For it is peace that I seek… the peace that steals over me when I have created something that pleases me… The plants look pretty sitting in the sun on the ledge. The kitten stretches and yawns. I make myself remember that someone had to stir up a little dirt and make a mess to create this scene. I am sure amongst the pots, and the dirt and the cuttings that there was quite a lot of chaos generated. Someone’s passion for beauty is what gave them the drive to create this lovely contrast that moves me to tears.
So I fumble along in my own overly passionate way. I accidently step on peoples toes along the way. In my deep need to help, to mother, to simply extend my friendship I am sure I have made many, many cultural and social blunders. Forgive me my dear friends. I am only a human. I am flawed. But I must have faith knowing that little grain of sand is growing into something good. My deep life pain gets the better of me sometimes and it overflows and must find outlet, and so in those moments I make a fool of myself or cause someone I love pain. I am encouraged by some of the healing I have found on this trip. I am feeling that I may have finally found my “reset button”. Oh, I am sure that I will continue along my normal chaotic way, for that is simply part of my personality, but I want to live up to the expectations of my own heart. My heart expects me to be a good wise woman. Ok… so a bringer of Chaotic passion. But the incomprehensible deep beauty is the prize so it is worth it! 

I love traveling... and hate it. I hate it because it takes me totally out of my comfort zone, I love it because I can tell that is good for me. I have seen lots of things, even in my one day here, and discovered yet another culture that loves to put beauty in where ever they can... just because! Thank you Korea! I so understand! I was out walking (and freezing) and spotted a grate on the ground. Just a common grate to drain off excess ground water in a pretty little park. It was half covered with leaves but it caught my attention because it was made in a lovely pattern of swirling vines, flowers, and a hummingbird. Who would need such a thing? Ummmm... that would be me. A stranger in a strange land, where I can't understand most of what is happening around me... Ahhh.... but I understood that!

So I am inside the airport and now sporting a pair of soft sweat pants (they fit a little weird though... do these people have no butts... oh! wait, never mind scratch that), and a cozy hoodie. I have discovered that walking around for two days with sandals (flip flops) and socks can produce the strangest foot and calf cramps.... AAANNNNDDD SOOOO..... now I have a cute pair of TOMS on my foot foots! I may not be all that stylish but at least I will be comfy for the 11 hours flight home. Can't wait to slide into a pair of jeans though, that is for sure!
I will talk to you all next when I am on the other side of the world.

Fingerprints All Over My Heart
Day 38: Last Day!!!
In my quiet times of contemplation I often find myself sifting through my favorite birth room memories. Births and birth rooms are truly lovely moments and places in a midwife’s life. The are like precious jewels to be taken out and admired. I do hesitate to give them too much glory or weight however. You may wonder at my reasoning when I say that. Let me try to explain what I mean by that statement. Midwifery has its ups and downs like any work. It has much hard work that goes into helping assure that there is as much safety and evidence based care given during the actual birth, but when you consider the hours that you will spend with each of “your ladies” it is a relatively small piece of the big picture. Much of the “success” of each birth is directly related to the preparation that occurs beforehand. It has to do with your lady’s nutrition, her psycho-social state, her spiritual state, her mental state, her fear level, her level of comfort with you as a person. These issues can be affected by how much prenatal time, education hours, time spent reviewing her chart to understand her overall stasis, and time spent simply listening to her and holding space for her as a person. Of course the responsibility is not all on you, it is important how much time and effort she puts into her own health, spiritual state, mental state, family situation, etc. It is a real team effort between you, the woman herself and her support persons. Much of it can be thought of as tedium. This is where we get down to the real nitty gritty of being a midwife. Yes, ok, it is impressive that we can power through those long labors and difficult births, yes it is awesome that we have so many education hours, or CEU’s, or seminars, or certificates. It is good, it is needed. But the true part of where we minister to our women is the hours we sit across from them, and take the initial history, do the prenatal visits, and listen… and listen… and listen. This is much of the real art of midwifery. If you find this part almost unbearable, or tedious, or boring, then I doubt if you really understand what it is going to take to be a good midwife. It is about women, their lives, their stories, their pregnancies and finally their births. We must love all the little parts of this work, but most of all we must love the women.

Fingerprints All Over My Heart

Day 36

My days are flying past and they are bittersweet. Sweet because each passing moment brings me that much closer to holding my loves in my arms, and oh so bitter because I must leave behind such wonderful people who have become part of me. I have much to accomplish in these next few days and I am thankful for it, for it gives me little time for sadness. I spent yesterday finishing up some of my college evals with my dear friend Jeri Gunderson. We are both “down home types” and the familiar little homilies and colloquialisms that roll off her tongue make me feel right at home while tickling my funny bone. We were like two girls sitting side by side and joking and laughing away the afternoon one moment and then segueing seamlessly into wise-woman discussions about life, God, feminism, midwifery, culture and a myriad of other subjects as the afternoon shadows grew. One of my great sorrows is to leave behind my new friend. We enjoyed an instant rapport with one another and settled into the comfortable place old friends can find themselves in where one can disagree with the other and it is all good. I have found it so enjoyable to be able to be totally comfortable with my own opinions and have the liberty to use my voice without being judged. Thank you Jeri for holding that space for me. I pray that I will take these lessons to heart and always know how to be that kind of friend myself. You have taught me many things but I think the most important is that it is ok to be the strong, loud, sensitive, funloving, opinionated, thinking, feeling, healing, hurting, changing, and totally human woman that I am. It feels really good to have friendship be a safe place to dwell in. What a gift your sharp wit, intelligence, strong personality and gentle loving heart have been to me. You give me great courage through your example.

Yesterday evening we had the last of the Tuesday night dinners (for me). We gather at Jeri’s and she and her daughter always prepare some wonderful American comfort food for all of us homesick interns. Then we enjoy the food and the fellowship of good friends in a family style dinner where children and adults all gather around one table. It has been such good therapy and always a safe haven where once again I am free to be me without fear of judgment. Thanks to Sarah, Jeri, Deborah, Darren, Auden, Aubrey, and Bernadette for creating the dynamic in which we can rest our culture stressed souls. I will never forget, and I am forever grateful. Love to you all.

Today I am heading off for an adventure in the safe care of Helen, the house manager. We are going across the city to an outdoor market. Yea! SHOPPING!

Fingerprints All Over My Heart
Day 53
So many wonderful births these last few days. Once again we are back to the pull of a "Midwife's Moon" and it is glorious! I am basking in the light of this ministry of ministries! I am so, SO blessed!
I am resting after a slightly difficult birth. The baby was asynclitic and had one of the biggest caputs that I have seen in this country. The father was wonderfully supportive every moment, and the mother was uncomplaining though I saw her wipe away multiple tears and beads and beads of sweat. The most wonderful part was when the father asked two different times if he could pray for his dear wife and unborn baby. We all said yes right away and we all prayed together. Once again I am in “midwife church” and yes God was very much in the room, but He always is. Later he asked again to pray and I said “Pray brother, we are all behind you, we will all pray!” He looked at me so gratefully (they were young, only 23 and 24), and then he stretched out his hands and prayed with wonderful passion and strength for his sweet young wife. The baby was born rather stunned and floppy and the couple seemed a bit stunned themselves, especially when they saw their little daughter’s head. It was so swollen! After I placed the wet, toneless baby on her mama's tummy, I was drying and rubbing the baby and encouraging them to hold on to and talk to her. I saw the father get a hold of himself and reach down and gently cup his baby’s still wet and bloody head in his palm and speak gently to her. She instantly coughed and breathed, and began to pink up. Ahhh…. I thought, she knows her father’s voice… Mother and baby are fine and the swelling is already subsiding. The sweet baby girl is a carbon copy of her gorgeous mother and the father has stars of love in his eyes for “his girls”.
A couple of days ago I did my first set of sutures on someone who was terrified and fought me every minute. Poor girl, she had to be coached through the whole thing and we still had to help hold her legs open and still so I could fix her up. It wasn’t pain so much as terror at what I was doing. Of course it was so difficult that it took longer than it should so I am sure she felt the last couple of pokes from the needle (guilt, guilt, guilt!), but I was so close to being done I figured she could either feel the 2 or three pokes of the suture needle or the 2 or 3 pokes of the lidocaine needle, both were going to hurt and the lidocaine was going to sting besides. That was a good experience nevertheless for I learned how to suture a jagged tear, and I learned how to suture under pressure, in a hard to reach place.
On another birth I learned a few variables in position changes to help get a rather stuck asynclitic baby to come down into the pelvis. The midwives here have several things they try: full squat, side lying, lithotomy (doulas and midwives all know that despite it’s bad rap, there are just some moms who want to birth in this position and who will only fully relax enough on their backs to let the baby come down), and McRoberts. They are patient and gentle, and if they see a position is causing too much swelling or no progress they will try something else. I work very hard at not letting my former experiences invade my thinking. What I mean by that is this: I have had those experiences, they are mine forever. This is a new set of experiences, and if I want to own them fully I must totally lay down my “superior student knowledge” (I hope you know I say that with dripping sarcasm) and watch and learn from these women every golden grain of knowledge I can glean. Yes, I have studied all the suggested textbooks; yes, I have taken innumerable classes and seminars on the subject; yes, I have my own philosophies on just about any area of this wonderful art of midwifery. The point is, that it would be utterly ridiculous for me to travel halfway around the world so I could use the knowledge I already have. I came to learn THEIR ways, I came to see THEIR 20 years of experience in action. Combined it is about 100 years of experience and it is very impressive to see it in action. Do they do it all according to the latest evidence based practices? If you are going to ask that question then maybe you should just stop reading this right now, for you have already missed the point of this post. They do what works, what works for them, with this particular demographic of women, what they have learned through time and experience, from kneeling at the feet of thousands of women. You can’t buy that kind of empirical knowledge but if you are very, very careful and very very wise maybe someone can pass it on to you. And if you are one of those really lucky apprentices you wisely shut your mouth and reach HARD for the baton and finish this most fantastic of races. It is a race that is being won every day across the globe by teams of midwives and apprentices. The race to keep the art of midwifery alive and functioning in a rather strange and complicated modern medical system. Onwards and Upwards Girls! Onwards and Upwards!!!