Fingerprints All Over My Heart
Day 60: 2nd Travel Day
There is a kind of chaos that follows me everywhere I go. Well maybe “follows” isn’t the right word, I think that it is more that I generate it somehow. It is born from something inside me. Often it comes after I have worked out things, gone through a healing passage and hit that place of accepting myself. Then boom! I will inadvertently do something stupid, or irresponsible. Or I will try to set something up with good intentions and have it all kind of end in a mess. Then my old companions “insecurity” and “low self esteem” show back up. My husband jokingly told me once I was named appropriately: Margaret Ann. Margaret means pearl and Ann means grace or gracious. He said that I am a precious jewel…but one that is made slowly over time from a source of irritation! And then I find my middle name a bit ironic because my mom would always sarcastically say “Well… GRACE!” Whenever I would trip, stumble or fumble, which was often since I am not the most coordinated person sometimes. I still catch myself saying it to myself under my breathe when I am clumsy. Now, I think that my husband’s old joke has a kind of beautiful truth to it. What started out as something not so great is turning, slowly but surely into something of worth. It is just that I get so passionate about things that I want to share, or I get excited to get everyone together and have a good time, and then in my efforts I sometimes fumble and create a scene in my effusion and exuberance where someone is offended or made uncomfortable.
Here is a quote I came across today:
“Every passion borders on chaos, that of the collector on the chaos of memory.” Walter Benjamin. I have this little collection of memories that often brings a wry smile to my face when I think of the little disasters i have left behind in my lifetime. I always feel so guilty about such things, but what is done is done. Kind of my own "string of pearls"... little irritating scenes that have become beautiful and precious over time.
When I think of the trouble and bother that I have caused sometimes in my deep need for beauty, and the need I have to surround myself with some beauty in this life I admit I cringe  little. In 1673 a scientist named Nicolaus Steno was saying the dedication of a newly opening anatomical theatre (an operating room where others can observe and learn). In his speech he said “Beautiful is what we see. More beautiful is what we understand. Most beautiful is what we do not comprehend.” Oh those words grip me! I think about some of the things I have seen that brought me to tears in the Philippines. Little unexpected things… things I see, that I understand but whose deeper meaning I can scarcely comprehend!  A dirty grey building that is falling down. Part of it still stands and that part has been divided to make apartments. Along the ridge formed by the crumbling windows someone has created a row of beautiful tropical plants in a mish mash of various pots and buckets. I am struck by the love and care that someone took to decorate his or her strip of dirty grey wall. In one flower pot a kitten sleeps and again my heart is touched by the tenuousness of this life. I know my life isn’t pretty sometimes… sometimes all that is left for me is a little strip of dirty grey wall. But damn it! I must bring some love, beauty and care to “my little strip of wall”. My passion COMPELS me! Perhaps a tired, half starved kitten will find solace there… or maybe even my own tired half starved heart will rest there. For it is peace that I seek… the peace that steals over me when I have created something that pleases me… The plants look pretty sitting in the sun on the ledge. The kitten stretches and yawns. I make myself remember that someone had to stir up a little dirt and make a mess to create this scene. I am sure amongst the pots, and the dirt and the cuttings that there was quite a lot of chaos generated. Someone’s passion for beauty is what gave them the drive to create this lovely contrast that moves me to tears.
So I fumble along in my own overly passionate way. I accidently step on peoples toes along the way. In my deep need to help, to mother, to simply extend my friendship I am sure I have made many, many cultural and social blunders. Forgive me my dear friends. I am only a human. I am flawed. But I must have faith knowing that little grain of sand is growing into something good. My deep life pain gets the better of me sometimes and it overflows and must find outlet, and so in those moments I make a fool of myself or cause someone I love pain. I am encouraged by some of the healing I have found on this trip. I am feeling that I may have finally found my “reset button”. Oh, I am sure that I will continue along my normal chaotic way, for that is simply part of my personality, but I want to live up to the expectations of my own heart. My heart expects me to be a good wise woman. Ok… so a bringer of Chaotic passion. But the incomprehensible deep beauty is the prize so it is worth it! 

I love traveling... and hate it. I hate it because it takes me totally out of my comfort zone, I love it because I can tell that is good for me. I have seen lots of things, even in my one day here, and discovered yet another culture that loves to put beauty in where ever they can... just because! Thank you Korea! I so understand! I was out walking (and freezing) and spotted a grate on the ground. Just a common grate to drain off excess ground water in a pretty little park. It was half covered with leaves but it caught my attention because it was made in a lovely pattern of swirling vines, flowers, and a hummingbird. Who would need such a thing? Ummmm... that would be me. A stranger in a strange land, where I can't understand most of what is happening around me... Ahhh.... but I understood that!

So I am inside the airport and now sporting a pair of soft sweat pants (they fit a little weird though... do these people have no butts... oh! wait, never mind scratch that), and a cozy hoodie. I have discovered that walking around for two days with sandals (flip flops) and socks can produce the strangest foot and calf cramps.... AAANNNNDDD SOOOO..... now I have a cute pair of TOMS on my foot foots! I may not be all that stylish but at least I will be comfy for the 11 hours flight home. Can't wait to slide into a pair of jeans though, that is for sure!
I will talk to you all next when I am on the other side of the world.