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Fingerprints All Over My Heart

Day 32 (Ha! The REAL day 32… trying to keep it straight folks!)

Yesterday felt LARGE to me. I hate to say it was a “big” day because that connotes something fun and positive. I also don’t want to say it was terrible or negative. The truth is it was “in my face” larger than life in many ways. My friend Rachel caught a SGA baby (small for gestational age) and we were all a little concerned over the little guy having a hard time holding his temperature and having some kind of apneic episodes. Of course the answer for both in this setting is for the mama to hold her baby against her body. Easier said than done, because no matter how many times I try explain that in the first two hours (at least!) that babies should be skin to skin with a blanket over both of them, the mamas (and grandmas!) are always in a hurry to get the babies and and themselves dressed and laying beside each other in the bed. Makes me a little nuts since I know that the special “glue” of oxytocin is higher in the first two hours after birth than any time in a woman’s or baby’s life. In this case I insisted that they stay skin to skin because the little guy was literally starting to shiver which can be a dangerous condition for a baby of any size but especially one in the 4 lb range! The midwife got proactive too and set up a drop light right away. Still this little peanut was vigorous with only very slightly discernable retractions. Rachel and I suggested that mama or daddy hold the baby constantly for the first 2 to 4 days and then as much as possible in the next two months no matter what kind of pressure she receives from family to do otherwise, and to nurse, nurse, nurse! I suggested trying to feed him every two hours and never let him sleep past 5 hours. Poor girl had worked through her entire pregnancy and I am not sure how good her hydration and nutrition had been. Her fundal height was way small so we were worried going in. Her placenta was trashed and the cord tiny and thin. She was in tears when getting ready to leave and I knelt down in front of her and told her that it was hard to think that her baby was having problems but that the two things this baby needed the most was her love and her milk. I told her that the only thing wrong with her boy was that he was born small, and for that he would need a little extra boost. I told her how I had had a baby that size too and that it wasn’t too long before she was rosy and chubby. She wiped her eyes, took a deep breath, nodded and said ok and held her boy a little tighter.  They were still worried and so the family decided to transport the little man to the hospital. They checked him out and sent him home… telling her to breastfeed him a lot and to rest! Looks like I have learned a thing or two after all.

The rest of the day was the really huge part. When I got back to my apartment I found my dear young mother who is giving her baby up for adoption there, filling out paperwork of some kind while she nursed her little daughter, preparing to leave her in the care of the little children’s home. She told me she would be leaving that day. With everything in me I wanted to close myself into my room and just lay down and cry, because I didn’t know how to handle the fullness of all that pain and love. I went into the bathroom and stared in the mirror. I then realized that no matter how bad it hurt ME (like any of this is about ME!) that she shouldn’t have to go through this day alone. So I made myself go back out and I dug through my earrings, and found a pair that I loved and made myself. I gave them to her and told her I had made them and wanted her to have them “to remember”.  She accepted them so sweetly and humbly. I know it might be silly and some would say kind of pointless, but I wanted her to have something lovely to carry away in her hands! I then sat beside her and told her that I admired how strong she was and that I could see how much she loved her little one. We both began to cry and for a few minutes that was enough, indeed it was all that we could do. Then I took her hand and asked if I could pray for her and the baby. I asked God to bless their separate journeys and to watch over them both. I prayed that God would bring help and blessing to her as a mom and as a woman so she could find a way to care for her children and have a better life. I prayed that God would watch carefully over this baby girl and that he would help her and prosper her throughout her life. I laid my hand on the weeping mama’s head and the innocent little sleepy head as well. I am sure it was not eloquent, I know my voice was wobbly, my nose was red and running and I can tell you I definitely do not cry pretty. My own pride over these things almost stopped me from the whole experience. I am not sure what she thought of some of that and it doesn’t matter, the point is that she had someone sitting beside her, sharing her pain, someone to cry with, and someone to gasp out a few words of prayer. It was hard, I was scared, but I think I did ok. She said “thank you-po” in her sweet little English/Tagalag way, over and over again and clung to my hand for a while. I then left her to simply sit and look at her baby for a while. She came and told us all bye again at the birth center and we all welled up as she began walking away. My friend Rachel said she still went into the Little Children’s Home and stayed by her little daughter for about two hours before she could finally….. finally walk away down the hill. My heart is broken, so I must be able to imagine it… but still… I CAN’T imagine. Pray for her friends, pray for this new little one. There are many babies and children and the workers are relatively few. Pray for me as I keep doing this daily work.