January 19

Fingerprints All Over My Heart
Day 16 (yeah... posting this a day late... oops)
Yesterday was filled with some busyness- renewing my visa, cleaning my apartment, trying to figure out scanning copies (scanner not too clear, phone scanner not either, so I am about ready to simply go make copies of each chart!). These were all nice basic things to fill my day. But the nicest thing has occurred to me! There is this particular state that I find myself in most of the time no matter what I am doing. I call it the "knot of guilt or anxiety that lives in my gut". It stems from various things, mostly from feeling rushed (I tend to be a free spirit...) or from guilt from either being late, or from a myriad of other situations in the world that my sub-conscience pricks me about (even things that have nothing to do with me or that I have no control over... it tend to feel guilty for...). Well here is what I figured out yesterday.... that ball of frustration I carry in my belly most of the time... NOT THERE! Wow! I think it has something to do with the tagalog term mga.... which means "about" or "approximately" and is often used when referring to time. Well here if they say 11:00 am... they mean 11-ish. It fits and flows with the way I am built. Don't get me wrong, I am often very, very prompt timewise and even arrive early sometimes and wait outside so I can arrive at the exact moment. But that is because I feel guilty to arrive early AND I feel guilty to arrive late. This is not a healthy way for me to exist. I find I am enjoying not watching each moment tick by... I do not feel cheated if I wake a few minutes before my alarm... nor do I feel guilty to hit the snooze. It is because I know I have "time". I know my preceptors are also living by their own natural rhythms, and are going to allow me to do so too. We are not all running around trying to make sure all the work is exactly split evenly and everything is "fair" because we are all trying to fulfill our own personal responsibilities in normal time and all pitch in when a job is in progress. It is simply a matter of duty and we all have it in our hearts to fulfill our duty because of our love and care for the women and for one another. This is such an EPIPHANY for me. I am finding that there is simply enough time.... it will get done, but you know, if I need to stop and take a little nap, no one is going to be angry at me, rather they are happy I am taking care of myself. How lovely.... how freeing. It is changing me in the most fundamental ways. I find a certain clear-headedness coming over me that I am not sure I have ever experienced in my adult life. The hurry, hurry, hurry of American culture does not exist here at Shiphrah. We are waiting for babies, we are serving women, we are helping each other, we are enjoying each other and the little moments through the day that make us smile. Hmmmm..... I knew that one of my great revelations of the last two years is that I needed to stop feeling guilty, I need to lay down some of the tension, I needed to accept the fact that I am enough for the tasks God has for me. It never occurred to me that it was my lifestyle that was creating the stage for "knot of guilt or anxiety that lives in my gut" to grow powerful and overshadow my everyday existence. I understand that I must return to the world from which I came, but this has given me a lot to think about in how I want to practice midwifery, how I want to deal with the people in my life, and most of all the changes I want to make in how I treat myself. That revelation is rather large and for now it is enough...... Love to all...

January 19

Fingerprints All Over My Heart
Day 17
My shoes are the brown flip flops in the center.... we always take our shoes off before entering the birth room. No shoes allowed in there. Three babies born today! What an amazing day! One early in the morning, a quiet sweet mama. She finally made a noise and I got the midwife and we went in and she delivered very soon after. Then the next one came in and was almost completely dilated (again almost totally silent). Within a short amount of time baby number two was lying in her mama's arms looking so totally adorable! A little later another mama came in and we barely got her in the room, one check.. she's complete and pushing! Three minutes after checking her she had her baby on her tummy! Whew! What wonderful times.... what totally delicious newborns, and what strong powerful women. There were various mild issues along the way and once again the midwives really let me get in there.... really taught me what to feel for and what to do! I feel so blessed. Thank you Dr Mark Sherfey for recommending Shiphrah to me... I will never be the same!