Thursday

Fingerprints All Over My Heart
Day 29
I have had many busy days with an average of 2 to 4 hours of sleep in each 24 period, only four hours worth of those “sleep snatches” were in my own bed. The rest of the time I may find myself on a (wicker) sofa, loveseat, mattress on the floor or random empty birth bed or prenatal check up room that I can find. My last few days have been a rich tapestry of experiences and I am at 22 catches with another young mama in labor now. I have seen what 3 and 4 hours of pushing can do, and have now had the experience of being part of my first newborn resuscitation. All is well but my heart is definitely doing some processing and I have had a couple of near meltdowns and some deep questioning of my skill level. In the end so much of what I did in the moment came from inside my heart and intuition rather than any of my actual training. I mean I am sure that all the training and classes and certification were working there along with my intuition but there was no real cognitive definitive thought process at work that I was aware of. Rather I would have moments of trying to figure out exactly what the others in the team were doing and what my part would be in the next moment. During the newborn resuscitation…I was thinking: Heart rate? Chest movement? Muscle tone? Skin color? These were where my auto pilot brain/intuition went, along with repositioning of the infant, checking the mask for proper fit, and counting out steps as we go along. In the end I think I wasn’t quite sure if this baby “started” as a result of our ministrations or despite them. All I knew was we all breathed out a deeply felt ‘Thank You God” when the newcomer first twitched, then moved, then gasped, then cried! Much retractions, grunting stridor and finally a full on suctioning with the de lee. After baby is nice and pink and totally breathing on his own and in mamas arms gazing into her eyes the questioning/recriminations begin. Near meltdown ensues but I have two lovely young women on either side of me with hands on my back and telling me “You did fine Margie, you did a good job!” After shedding a few surreptitious tears I am back “in my body” and doing my part again. That was not the time or place to make this story about me, it was that mother’s and that baby’s journey…. oh and a new midwife’s beginning story as well as my friend began her own journey as Primary for the first time. All in all… I would say we all did a good job, though maybe each step was not “textbook” perfect we all had something vitally important to bring to the table. My body is tired, my mind is electrified and my heart is healing from so many, many things.